The Month of March

March. The month of almost every single family birthday, including my mother. Birthdays are a funny way of reminding us of loved ones who died, because when they were alive - birthdays were a celebration. Phone calls, birthday presents, going out to dinner, and times spend enjoying one another's company - those are what birthdays are supposed to be about. My mom's birthday was on St. Patrick's Day, March 17th, a day I can never forget. I hold deep regret about the birthdays my mom had ages 21-27 since I always wanted to go out with friends later in the evening to "celebrate"...what I wish I had done is celebrate all of the love she brought into my life. I can't say enough how easy it is to reflect on the regret, and how difficult it can be to focus on the positive, but I suppose that is another post.

Two years later, and my mom's death is still very new to my family. I know many people will have a ceremony, or do something special on the birthday of a loved one who passed, but ...my family is still getting there, and that's ok. Every family is different, and you have to eventually accept where everyone is with the grief process. I would love to get to a place where I am celebrating my mom's birthday as she would - with shopping, yummy food, and Lifetime movies - but...the thought of her still makes me sad. It pains me to to think of joyfully living in her memory, but one day...I hope to get there.

Many, people have said to me, that I am not myself these last two years, and they are definitely right. A part of you dies when a loved one passes...and it takes time to get that back. I'm still a work in progress... and I hope my friends who have experienced this type of loss can benefit from reading my random posts :)

Growing Older

As a child and teenager, I was always surrounded by a lot of friends and acquaintances. It was super easy to make plans, talk on the phone for HOURS (I'm looking at you Kaleena, Jess), and see people that you love on a regular basis. Growing older, as we know, it's much more difficult to keep in touch, make time out of our busy schedules - with our adult responsibilities, and to even find the time to make a phone call. For, me I'm extremely grateful for the close friends that I do have, no matter how much time passes by, or our locations - Atlanta, LA, ITALY, Louisiana, wherever... we still stay close. To the friends I have lost touch with, or don't talk to as much... one of my 2014 goals is to make more of an effort. I hope that some friendships that have dwindled can grow stronger in the new year - and that despite our busy lives...we can find time to spend together or chat/email!

So with that being said, that is one of my NY resolutions for 2014! Cheers!

Fond Memories of Mom

For me, remembering my mom with fond memories has been a struggle. People will often say, focus on the good times, but when you lose a parent, you often will focus on the regrets, what ifs, last memories in the hospital and the struggles you faced. Everyone can tell you to focus on your childhood, or how you were best friends, or the laughs you constantly had...but it's not always that easy. When I was visiting in NJ over my break celebrating Christmas, I was blessed with some very positive memories of my mom.

The summer before I left for college, my Mom and Aunt Lynn organized a surprise "Going Away to College Shower" and I completely forgot that my Uncle Bill video taped this. So this year, while celebrating Christmas, we all watched this video together in memory of my mom. I was a bit apprehensive...because you never know what you are getting into with videos ...and this would be the first time that I was seeing my mom in a home video after she died. I didn't know if I would laugh or cry ...or how I would react at all - but I am SO glad that we all watched this together. 

Watching this video  of me entering a living room full of my family and TONS of presents for me to fill with my residence hall was just an awesome feeling. This was a true display of how generous and thoughtful my mom was with everything that she did. We laughed the entire time about the crazy comments that were being said and I think we were all in awe about how beautiful my mom looked. It was so refreshing to see her smiling, carefree...and really just having the time of her life. I am very thankful that I was able to see this video ...and wish that we could film all of the happiest times in life so we could watch them whenever we need to smile. 

So, my wish is for everyone who is struggling with watching home videos of a loved one...to do this in your own time...and with loved ones around - or by yourself..whatever works. For me it was refreshing and helped for my Dad and I to focus on the positive! 

Lessons from Donna.

I really only every write in my blog, when I am reflecting on the death of my mom and thinking about the many memories we have together. I always have to laugh when my Dad talks about the "fights" my mom and I would have together. As a crazy teenager, I would scream about boys, school, whatever I was mad about to my mom, be so mad at her for not agreeing with me, and then after 10 minutes of yelling, we would say - ok let's go to the mall! We always let things go, and never held onto grudges. I honestly think that is why we were best friends as well as mother and daughter. :) I think about all of the lessons my mother taught me, and how they all turned out to be so very true...

1. Do not trust anyone that gossips to you, for they probably will gossip about you. Man - if I had learned THIS lesson early in life, I would have been set :)
2. Don't hold your feeling inside - always let them out, don't let them build up!
3. You know who your closest friends are...keep them CLOSE to your heart, don't spend time on people who do not cherish you.
4. Quality over quantity with relationships
5. Once someone shows you their true colors, believe them
6. Every Target has a different selection - THIS IS SO TRUE :)..
7. Think before you type, or speak.
8. Grow a thick skin and do not let people get to you.
9. Always over dress, never be under dressed.
10. Right before my mom passed away, she said three things to me: take care of your father, know that I am so proud of you and love you, and know that all guys aren't assholes and that true love is out there...(this was right before Eric and I started dating) :) ...she was obviously right.

I miss that woman!

Mother's Day

I was reminded yesterday by one of my readers that it's days like today where you live by the philosophy - one foot in front of the other and as an old friend used to tell me, "you just have to keep walking forward". Mother's Day is definitely challenging for me, as it has only been the second without my mom, and I can imagine the same for other friends/family members who have experienced the same loss. The hallmark cards, endless Facebook posts, and wonderful things that all mothers deserve...is hard for someone to see who has lost their own mother. Every time I go into Hallmark In the mall, the older lady asks me... does your mother have a hallmark rewards card? In my head I'm thinking - Lady are you KIDDING ME....but I kindly say no, as she has no idea and I am way too nice to hurt her feelings. It's the little things though... that get you.

 I can't imagine it ever getting easier, but I think you learn how to cope differently and manage your emotions in a way where you just keep going. One of my best friends bought me a book called, Motherless Daughter, shortly after my mom passed. I still have not mustered up the courage to read it...but have finally taken it out to begin that journey and soul searching process. People often ask me, do you do anything special for your mom on mother's day since she has passed? The answer is no... because she is always in my thoughts and honestly it's too hard to do something, still. I can't imagine having a little ceremony or doing anything like that - and maybe it's different for everyone, but for me...I'm just not there yet, and I think it's ok that way.

Making Changes

I think as a 30 year old professional (let's be honest I'm not a "young professional anymore) ;), I have reached a point where I yearn for constant challenge and really wanting to make a difference in the lives of students. We all have major struggles at work, face challenges with others, and have come across situations that end up changing us for the better. However, we don't realize at the time, that those situations actually will make us a stronger professional and a better person. Think about a situation you have come across at work, and 6 months/a year later, how it has made you a better person. Here are some tips that I have to offer, for whatever they are worth - when dealing with challenges professionally. This is really for my soon to be college grads ;):

1. Find a confidante outside of the workplace. - Whether it is your significant other, a family member or a close friend, make sure that you are talking to someone outside of work about your issues. It is never a good (speaking from experience) to bring your issues or drama to work - it will only make your problems worse! So, when you feel the need to dish - pick up your phone and text a good friend or someone who has no affiliation with your job.

2. Communicate with your supervisor - It is so important to have a close connection with your boss. I have been blessed to have had great supervisors along my professional journey so far. Make sure that you are working on goals, expectations and really communicating how you can move forward with your challenges. 

3. Self Motivate - Find your inner passions and motivate yourself to make changes. For me, my struggle has always been staying super organized (and if you are not organized in Student Activities - good luck to ya ;). I had to find my method of organization and a way that would empower me to stay organized. Maybe it is making your office supplies bright and fun or doing a weekly clean out of things that you don't need! You have to be motivated enough to make those changes.

4. Prove it - You have to prove to others that you have changed. Ask others what they expect of you and how you can make working with you easier. People want someone they can count on, who is going to pull their weight and who is going to follow through with work. Make sure that you are on top of email, voice-mails and the administrative tasks that might seem to be meaningless but are important in order to make your office successful.

5. Don't beat yourself up - Like I said before, we all make (some) mistakes at work. Focus on being the best version of you, having a positive attitude, and don't beat yourself up for too long. 

I hope you liked my tips! Keep posted for more as I try to keep connected with students and I feel these tips can help us all!

Why Do I Relay?

I am all about raising awareness and promotion philanthropy, it's just for some...causes hit a little bit closer to home than others. A little over a year ago, my mother passed away due to Ovarian Cancer, this is actually the main reason I started blogging...as a healthy coping mechanism. Ovarian Cancer, is known as the "silent but deadly" cancer. There is no way to detect this early - but LADIES, this is women keeping up with your yearly checks is very important and necessary. There are a few other preventative steps you can take - but it is so completely important to have an open and communicative relationship with your doctor.

The main reason I'm blogging, isn't to get all educational on you, but it's to help promote Relay for Life. On 4/26, Frostburg will be hosting it's annual Relay for Life...and I am raising money in honor of my mom. It's been very hard for me ever since her death to be an activist for cancer awareness...but I feel like I'm ready to begin that process. A lot of it has to do with the fact of having a support system around me, both at work and personally...because before the start of this year - I'm not sure if I would have felt ready.

If you are interested in donating to support Relay for Life please click the following link below. My goal is 1,000 dollars - but everyone knows I'd do anything for my mom. :)

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/donnafynes