And so it begins...

When someone dies you have the constant love and support of friends and family around you ...which don't get me wrong still exists...but there does come a time when people have to live their own lives. Maybe the holidays have surfaced these lonely feelings...or maybe it's the fact that many of my friends now live across the world and country ...and aren't just a hop, skip and a jump down the block. I hate to sound bitter and negative (even though everyone says I have the right to feel that way)...but I am. This last week has been beyond difficult for me...despite having great family, friends, etc...all around. This is a time of year that I would normally spend day in and day out with my mom... I didn't really care about seeing friends (I knew that would happen late at night). I loved our little shopping, Starbucks dinner dates. I have so many good things I want to share with my mom right now...and yes, it's forcing me to share them with other people...but it's still hard. It's difficult to clean out her things and be alone at night...

However, I am only getting a small taste of what my father must be facing every day. Living in this house having EVERYTHING remind him of her. The decorations, smell, style...everything...down to the silverwear he eats with everyday. I am very fortunate to have my father even though we have very different ways of grieving...sometimes we are both angry and I know we aren't really angry at each other...we are just angry that this is a crappy situation that is just starting... I just hope my Dad knows how much I love and respect him...how much I know this is hard on him and that there is no right way to grieve...I'm very fortunate to have a special person in my life remind me of that when sometimes I'm too clouded with negative emotion to see all of that...

I think I can just hope that just like my mom clearly touched the lives of many...that this blog or whatever it is to some people...will also help someone. The notes and messages I receive daily/weekly from random people who knew my mom just reminds me over and over again the power of being kind. The power of connection and building meaningful relationships...and the power of being real. I feel that by sharing my experieces...both good and bad...that hopefully they will help someone else...just like my mom helped all of those wonderful people...

Less than fabulous version of me...

I have been a less than fabulous version of myself these last few days. Miserable, crying, angry...every ugly color there is to be - just still shocked/hurt that my mom is not here to be with us during the holiday season or really at all anymore. It of course means a lot to me that I have wonderful friends, family, etc who are all supportive and caring ....but the void is not going to be filled ever...and right now this feeling is the worst thing I've ever experienced before. It doesn't help that when little things happen that I'd normally talk to my mom about...it makes them 100x worse because I start crying over the fact that she's not here to help or listen or tell me to stop being dramatic (laughing as I type this...). It also doesn't help that the rest of my family is crying too (obviously not their fault) but it makes everyting so much worse for me. I hate being angry and miserable and negative. I know this is part of the grieving process, believe me a Masters in Counseling will give you all of the information you need. I know there isn't a book or a manual to help me to get through this. Which is why I'm sitting in Panera typing my little heart out because writing has become a true therapy for me. A sense of peace and resolution - knowing that my words can touch another person.

I want to be there right now for other people ...but I can't. Lets just put it out there that ...I'm a mess. Everyone says I'm the strongest person they know ...but I feel like who I am right now is nothing but angry and not a great example of the person that I ever aspiret to be....I'm hoping that somewhere in this Christmas spirit that I can find my own little Christmas miracle...and if I can't...I know that I will get through this in someway...even if it's kicking and screaming...

A letter about my mom from a patient...

So, the second I walked in the door to my Dad's house...I feel like I was kicked in the stomach with a harsh reality that my mom is no longer here. Despite all of the encouragement and support that people can say...it still does not take away this awful feeling. Then I came across this letter written about my mom by one of the patients at the office she worked for ...and I think this is only a small glimpse at how much she impacted the lives of those around her.

Dear Fynes family,

I have had the very good fortune to meet and get to know your beloved Donna and after learning of her passing, I wanted to write and tell you that I am so sorry for your loss.

I am a severely disabled quadriplegic, and as such, I can be a "pain in the butt" to some; especially those in the medical field who often have to do more than usual to help me...but to my amazement; from the MANY phone calls, to the time I needed help getting in and out the front door and the Doctor's very tiny examination rooms...your Donna always treated me with love, kindness and respect...and I was always AMAZED at her ability to multi-task...Wow...I'm thinking if you look up that word in the dictionary...you'd see a picture of Donna with one hand dialing the fax, the other hand holding the phone...and at the same time she'd be listening to instructions from the doctor or motioning to a patient to go into the examination room...and over the 10 or so years I've watched Donna work...she always did it all with kindness and understanding for everyone involved in the Doctor's business..including those pharmacutical salesman...haha!

I was so sad to hear of Donna's passing...to me she was a bright light of love and compassion and she will be missed...but it's easier for me to see Donna smiling ear to ear while multi-tasking once again as one of God's busy, loving and caring Angels.

God Bless....

Songs that stick with me...

As I'm thinking about  my drive home, and how EXCITED I am to get a new car stereo system. Believe me after months of driving to and from Jersey every weekend...listening to country music...it gets old. I can't help but think about the songs that I could literally listen to on repeat on a drive ...so here you go :).

- Wild World - Cat Stevens
- Africa - Toto...classic!
- Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen...it's the Jersey
- Rumour Has It/Someone like you - Glee (obvi)
- Dirt Road Anthem - Jason Aldean ...have to have some country ;)
- Edge of Glory - Gaga ...come on...we are soul sisters
- Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
- Hey Girl - OAR ...college classic ;)
- Home - Edward Sharpe ...tottie song
- King of Wishful Thinking - NFG
- Let the River Run - Carly Simon ...one of my favorite songs ever
- Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford and Sons..
- Tears Dry on Their Own - Amy Winehouse
- Tiny Dancer - Elton John
- Waiting for a Star to Fall - Boy Meets Girl ...reminds me of my mom :)

Just a random little thought :) Happy Wednesday everyone! xo

I have learned...

...that patience truly is a virtue (and often virtues are very challenging)
...I love the outdoors, and by that I mean drinking wine on a patio
...my girlfriends are like my sisters ...and sisters really do anything for each other
...quality over quanity - shoes included
...loving your work is rare ...so be thankful when you do
....the love of a mother never ends
...regret is a feeling that will keep you up at night
...words are empty promises unless followed through by action
...forgiveness is a process, that process is not perfect...
...friends make mistakes, people will hurt you, you will hurt people...learn how to apologize...and to accept
...relationships are far from perfect...but if you can find that slice of perfection you are very fortunate
...breakfast dates never get old, neither do bacon and cheese omelettes
...sometimes you just need a little alone time with some OC reruns and nachos
...gossip is hurtful. if people are talking about others...they are probably talking about you too...
...people can change ...but change takes work ...it also takes support and care
...no matter how many times you are hurt by love...never stop loving
...always try it on
...you can listen to others all you want...but at the end of the day your heart will keep you awake if what you want is something different..
...it's ok to get the same thing on the menu every time you go to a restaurant...and to get the same top in 3 colors...
...smiling really is the key to a happier life...

Go ahead and take that leap...

“It’s OK to listen to your heart.  I know it’s risky.  Go ahead and take that leap.  There are so many things you can’t control:  earthquakes, war, famine.  It’s important to remember the things we can control, things like love and forgiveness.  … Love in every one of its forms.  Loves gives us hope.  Hope for the New Year...

This was one of my favorite of many wonderful quotes from the movie New Years Eve...like it or not...it had a lot of great themes that I think during this holiday season, we should all try to embrace. Whether it's reconciling with an old friend, apologizing to someone, being the "bigger person", telling someone how much you care about them...whatever your own little "risk" may be - take it. You never know the last time you'll be able to tell someone you love them or even how much you appreciate them. If we could all live our life just showing our appreciation and care a little more...the world would be a better and happier place.

I feel blessed that I was able to tell my mom how much I loved her during her last days. However, that does not take away the regret and guilt I have for any hurtful words that were said over the years. I know, I know...everyone fights - but if we could just think a little before we speak ...we wouldn't carry such negative feelings years later. I hope that over the holidays and as the New Year is approaching...we can all just sit back and reflect a little bit on how much the people in our life mean to us - and how we can show our love more ...

Everyday, you save my life...

A few years ago, I enrolled in a class for graduate school, Grief and Loss Counseling, that I never thought would change my life or impact me greater than any class in all of my years of school. This class challenged each of us to be vulnerable to our own losses and to reflect on the meaning of "loss" and how different that can be for each person. I still think about my classmates and their experiences on a regular basis...now more than ever with the loss of my mother. There were people that I knew very well and others that I grew close to through sharing and grieving together.If you are in a graduate program that offers this type of class...I highly recommend it.

Through this class, each of us were provided with the opportunity to volunteer with a program called Drew's Hope. A foundation, The Drew Michael Taylor Foundation, created by a family that lost their child which helps for families to grieve through support groups and counseling. Graduate students who are enrolled in this class are allowed to facilitate groups with children, teens, and parentes in order to gain experience...but I think to each of us it became much more than that. I was blessed to work with the youngest group of children who just made my week - the connections that children can make throughout the grief process is unbelievable. I cannot express the good that this group does for the community - for families, schools, and for each person to learn how to heal...and that it's ok to lean on those sharing a similar experience.

My reason for this blog today? I received a link that Drew's Hope is looking to open "Drew's House" an opportunity to actually have a resource center for this organization as they are now using the elementary school on Shippensburg University's campus. This would be an amazing opportunity and would be such a fabulous resource for the center. If you take a minute to vote on the link below they could have this dream come true - this would mean SO much to me and many others that have been impacted positively by this organization.

Please vote: http://www.refresheverything.com/drewshouse

...and thanks to those who were in my class that still continue to be on my mind and that have served as a wonderful support system to me throughout this hard time...:).

Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen closely...

Despite the many great people and friends in my life who have done so much for me since my mom has passed...there are nights I come home and am a mess. Not a bawling, crying mess...but just can't get off my couch, don't want to talk to anyone....sad...feeling really hopeless and lost...kinda mess. Thank GOODNESS...for amazing coworkers, friends, and everyone who has done dinners, coffees, wine, reunions, and just has been there for me through everything...

But tonight, I was thinking about the movies my mom and I loved so much. One of our favorites has always been The Land Before Time (the original one...not the 8 additonal ones ;). The movie really has a great, heartwarming story...but ironically in the movie, Littlefoot's mom was killed. I was looking up song lyrics, quotes, and other stories that reminded me of my mom... when I came across this one from the Land Before Time said by the mom...

Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen closely...

I needed that...

A Bucket List

I've always wanted to make a bucket list - so I thought, well ...yesterday was my goldenn birthday - shout out to myself ;). Why not make a list called "29 Things to do While I'm 29"...cute right?

1. Get my passport and travel to Italy to see Tessa Lynn (hopefully summer 2012)...flights aren't that bad!
2. Cook something new and different once a month (stolen from Erica G)
3. Begin Volunteer work with the Caring Place or Drew's Hope again - something similar ...This was a grief and loss program that I volunteered for in graduate school...how very fitting - but something I've always wanted to do again.
4. Apply for a PhD program
5. Have a beach house with friends (apply within)
6. Attend Phillies Opening Day/Night...and several other games (...also apply within)
7. Work my way into running a 5 K in the Spring and a 10 K in the summer :).
8. Host a reunion weekend for my college friends
9. Visit CJ in California!
10. Learn how to knit...where is my Aunt ;)
11. Start to write a book on the perspective of Higher Education from a young professional...(inquire within if interested)
12. Present at a National Conference for Higher Ed (apply within)
13. Have one coffee date a month with someone I don't know that well :)
14. Start playing the violin again...
15. Experience the history in Gettysburg...ghost tours, etc (let me know if interested)
16. Visit museums in DC...hollar at my DC friends!
17. See Rascal Flatts tour...Jacqui we HOPEFULLY have this covered
18. Read one new book every month
19. Invest in a camera and start taking more pictures :).
20. Find one, new restaurant a month and eat there with someone different :) -
21. Write one letter a week to a different friend...everyone loves mail
22. Write a blog post every time I achieve one of these goals :)/
23. Hike on a few of the trails in Central PA
24. Adopt a puppy!
25. Raise/donate money on a regular basis to the Ovarian Cancer Society - shout out to Dickinson for getting that started :)
26. Take a Sign Language Class
27. Have a Dad/Daughter trip somewhere fun
28. Get to know my extended family on a closer level...
29. Have a loving memorial in honor of my mom...and then run/walk in honor of her for the Ovarian Cancer Society National Walk...


I will do my best to blog as I achieve :).

As we go on, we remember...

I could not resist the title - if you don't understand, read on please. As many of you know, "Last Friday Night"  was our 10 Year High School reunion! I had absolutely no intention of going and quite frankly, the thought of seeing so many of my "high school acquaintances" made me cringe. However, things quickly changed the week that my mom passed away...a few of my high school friends became several of my rocks that have helped me to slowly...start to come back to life. My friend Jess and I were out to dinner one night that week and she exclaimed that she was buying tickets and we were going - I figured, well nothing could be worse than this point in my life - so what the hell! Later that night, I got drinks with CJ and Philly and before I knew it...we were all reunion bound.

Prom Pictures!

As we got to the reunion (after a few glasses of wine of COURSE)...I had the biggest smile on my face! There was literally not one person I wasn't happy to chat with or see! It was such a great time with so many genuine, fun people who really just wanted to reconnect...and for me, as I stated in my first entry...that it was life is all about...connections. Sometimes you meet people and they might not always be physically in your life but there is a bond created between  you with comfort and support knowing that they are always there. Of course, for me, I believe that making effort is important and whether it's a phone call, text, or coffee date - life is entirely too short not to build meaningful relationships. For me, the reunion was a great way to strengthen certain friendships, rekindle others, and start new ones! I hope that it was the same for many :). I believe that it is never too late to let someone into your life...and that a quick conversation can often change everything.

Now, of course - some things never change...

Can't Sleep...

Dad and I just got back from Black Friday shopping at the mall...hollar at the 2 for 20, 3 wick candle sale and 50 % off the Limited!!! :). However, WHY ...do parents let their 15 year olds run around dressed in super skimpy clothes...this is making me sound old but it's just awful and sad! I'm sure there is more to each of their stories...but when there are 100s of them wandering around at 12 AM you just have to wonder...

So today at Thanksgiving we also celebrated my birthday! 29 on the 29th - yay! My aunt and uncle bought me an awesome Keurig and then there was a bag my Dad handed to me with a few different presents ...I was like, damn...he did well. My aunt pulls me aside and said, your mom asked me to buy those gifts for your dad...she didn't want him to forget.  How was she thinking of my birthday when she was on her deathbed... but that's my mom...always putting others first...it made my day though.. :)

Giving Thanks...

Normally, this a day that my mom and I look forward too all year...spending the day together relaxing, cooking and eating...then napping and watching movies before a fun night/morning of shopping and breakfast at Peter's Diner :). This year is obviously very different from the rest...it's strange, sad, surreal (a word I keep using over and over again...). At the same time, there is much to be thankful for - my father and I have gotten significantly closer and are spending much more time together (we have always had a good relationship...but my Mom was my best friend...), I am reconnecting with lots of great people, and have a wonderful/amazing support system in Gettysburg that is not only a workplace for me but somewhere that has become like family. :). Don't get me wrong...I have my moments of tears and breakdowns (for those of you worried that I'm not coping...thank you graduate school). It's hard, it SUCKS...bottom line...but you have to find the silver linings or you will drive yourself crazy. I am thankful my mom is not suffering anymore and that she is not in pain...even though we are in pain for her. I am thankful for my Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and all of my Dad's family that has reached out and those who we are reconnecting with... such blessings.

Most of all, I am thankful that when people met my mom over the years, they would always say...Amy you look just like her, you are your mom...and you know what ..I am. I am thankful that I have the gift of being compassionate and loving like her, thoughtful and caring...someone who loves others and puts everyone first...I am thankful to see those qualities...and to let them shine...not shut them out as you should never like your attributes go to waste. So tonight, after my Aunt's Thanksgiving Dinner...I went to the store...got fun appetizers and desserts for my Dad and I ...and will carry on the tradition of pigging out and even (yes...get ready for this...) taking my Dad to the mall at midnight...(what is happening to the WORLD..) :)

Happy Thanksgiving, Ciao.

Is it ever too late to apologize?

Why must we always say we are "sorry"...when we are really just being honest? Thoughts?

Connections, Connections!

If you know anything about me, which most of you will soon learn, I have always said how important connections are in life. Whether it's with a lover, a friend, a student, a mentor - who you impact and who impacts you are two of the most important concepts in the world. I have never really met anyone who has not left some sort of imprint on my heart - come to think of it. That imprint may be awful...but still ...it means something. I think this is why I am now going to sign myself up for the world of blogging. My best friend, Tessa Lynn, has become an avid blogger - and I never really saw myself as doing it! However, very recently (like a week recently) my mother passed away, a man I really thought I would have a good relationship with turned into the oppostite, and many people from my past have decided that they would like to reconnect...(death is a crazy thing, people). So, I figured why not - one, we have no idea how long we are on this earth for ...so share your life! Two, if I can connect with someone because of a story...that's amazing. Three - would love to learn more about others and their life stories!

I've also always worked in Higher Education (yay!). I've realized that the most important and meaningful stories are often not shared! Why, because we focusing on talking about theory and training...when we should be sharing the "aha" moments...the moments that make us realize why exactly we are doing what we love (this is a whole other post in itself). However, I would love to connect with those of you who understand what I mean...and maybe those of you who don't - :).

(Fellow best friends and bloggers: :)