And so it begins...

When someone dies you have the constant love and support of friends and family around you ...which don't get me wrong still exists...but there does come a time when people have to live their own lives. Maybe the holidays have surfaced these lonely feelings...or maybe it's the fact that many of my friends now live across the world and country ...and aren't just a hop, skip and a jump down the block. I hate to sound bitter and negative (even though everyone says I have the right to feel that way)...but I am. This last week has been beyond difficult for me...despite having great family, friends, etc...all around. This is a time of year that I would normally spend day in and day out with my mom... I didn't really care about seeing friends (I knew that would happen late at night). I loved our little shopping, Starbucks dinner dates. I have so many good things I want to share with my mom right now...and yes, it's forcing me to share them with other people...but it's still hard. It's difficult to clean out her things and be alone at night...

However, I am only getting a small taste of what my father must be facing every day. Living in this house having EVERYTHING remind him of her. The decorations, smell, style...everything...down to the silverwear he eats with everyday. I am very fortunate to have my father even though we have very different ways of grieving...sometimes we are both angry and I know we aren't really angry at each other...we are just angry that this is a crappy situation that is just starting... I just hope my Dad knows how much I love and respect him...how much I know this is hard on him and that there is no right way to grieve...I'm very fortunate to have a special person in my life remind me of that when sometimes I'm too clouded with negative emotion to see all of that...

I think I can just hope that just like my mom clearly touched the lives of many...that this blog or whatever it is to some people...will also help someone. The notes and messages I receive daily/weekly from random people who knew my mom just reminds me over and over again the power of being kind. The power of connection and building meaningful relationships...and the power of being real. I feel that by sharing my experieces...both good and bad...that hopefully they will help someone else...just like my mom helped all of those wonderful people...

Less than fabulous version of me...

I have been a less than fabulous version of myself these last few days. Miserable, crying, angry...every ugly color there is to be - just still shocked/hurt that my mom is not here to be with us during the holiday season or really at all anymore. It of course means a lot to me that I have wonderful friends, family, etc who are all supportive and caring ....but the void is not going to be filled ever...and right now this feeling is the worst thing I've ever experienced before. It doesn't help that when little things happen that I'd normally talk to my mom about...it makes them 100x worse because I start crying over the fact that she's not here to help or listen or tell me to stop being dramatic (laughing as I type this...). It also doesn't help that the rest of my family is crying too (obviously not their fault) but it makes everyting so much worse for me. I hate being angry and miserable and negative. I know this is part of the grieving process, believe me a Masters in Counseling will give you all of the information you need. I know there isn't a book or a manual to help me to get through this. Which is why I'm sitting in Panera typing my little heart out because writing has become a true therapy for me. A sense of peace and resolution - knowing that my words can touch another person.

I want to be there right now for other people ...but I can't. Lets just put it out there that ...I'm a mess. Everyone says I'm the strongest person they know ...but I feel like who I am right now is nothing but angry and not a great example of the person that I ever aspiret to be....I'm hoping that somewhere in this Christmas spirit that I can find my own little Christmas miracle...and if I can't...I know that I will get through this in someway...even if it's kicking and screaming...

A letter about my mom from a patient...

So, the second I walked in the door to my Dad's house...I feel like I was kicked in the stomach with a harsh reality that my mom is no longer here. Despite all of the encouragement and support that people can say...it still does not take away this awful feeling. Then I came across this letter written about my mom by one of the patients at the office she worked for ...and I think this is only a small glimpse at how much she impacted the lives of those around her.

Dear Fynes family,

I have had the very good fortune to meet and get to know your beloved Donna and after learning of her passing, I wanted to write and tell you that I am so sorry for your loss.

I am a severely disabled quadriplegic, and as such, I can be a "pain in the butt" to some; especially those in the medical field who often have to do more than usual to help me...but to my amazement; from the MANY phone calls, to the time I needed help getting in and out the front door and the Doctor's very tiny examination rooms...your Donna always treated me with love, kindness and respect...and I was always AMAZED at her ability to multi-task...Wow...I'm thinking if you look up that word in the dictionary...you'd see a picture of Donna with one hand dialing the fax, the other hand holding the phone...and at the same time she'd be listening to instructions from the doctor or motioning to a patient to go into the examination room...and over the 10 or so years I've watched Donna work...she always did it all with kindness and understanding for everyone involved in the Doctor's business..including those pharmacutical salesman...haha!

I was so sad to hear of Donna's passing...to me she was a bright light of love and compassion and she will be missed...but it's easier for me to see Donna smiling ear to ear while multi-tasking once again as one of God's busy, loving and caring Angels.

God Bless....

Songs that stick with me...

As I'm thinking about  my drive home, and how EXCITED I am to get a new car stereo system. Believe me after months of driving to and from Jersey every weekend...listening to country music...it gets old. I can't help but think about the songs that I could literally listen to on repeat on a drive ...so here you go :).

- Wild World - Cat Stevens
- Africa - Toto...classic!
- Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen...it's the Jersey
- Rumour Has It/Someone like you - Glee (obvi)
- Dirt Road Anthem - Jason Aldean ...have to have some country ;)
- Edge of Glory - Gaga ...come on...we are soul sisters
- Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
- Hey Girl - OAR ...college classic ;)
- Home - Edward Sharpe ...tottie song
- King of Wishful Thinking - NFG
- Let the River Run - Carly Simon ...one of my favorite songs ever
- Roll Away Your Stone - Mumford and Sons..
- Tears Dry on Their Own - Amy Winehouse
- Tiny Dancer - Elton John
- Waiting for a Star to Fall - Boy Meets Girl ...reminds me of my mom :)

Just a random little thought :) Happy Wednesday everyone! xo

I have learned...

...that patience truly is a virtue (and often virtues are very challenging)
...I love the outdoors, and by that I mean drinking wine on a patio
...my girlfriends are like my sisters ...and sisters really do anything for each other
...quality over quanity - shoes included
...loving your work is rare ...so be thankful when you do
....the love of a mother never ends
...regret is a feeling that will keep you up at night
...words are empty promises unless followed through by action
...forgiveness is a process, that process is not perfect...
...friends make mistakes, people will hurt you, you will hurt people...learn how to apologize...and to accept
...relationships are far from perfect...but if you can find that slice of perfection you are very fortunate
...breakfast dates never get old, neither do bacon and cheese omelettes
...sometimes you just need a little alone time with some OC reruns and nachos
...gossip is hurtful. if people are talking about others...they are probably talking about you too...
...people can change ...but change takes work ...it also takes support and care
...no matter how many times you are hurt by love...never stop loving
...always try it on
...you can listen to others all you want...but at the end of the day your heart will keep you awake if what you want is something different..
...it's ok to get the same thing on the menu every time you go to a restaurant...and to get the same top in 3 colors...
...smiling really is the key to a happier life...

Go ahead and take that leap...

“It’s OK to listen to your heart.  I know it’s risky.  Go ahead and take that leap.  There are so many things you can’t control:  earthquakes, war, famine.  It’s important to remember the things we can control, things like love and forgiveness.  … Love in every one of its forms.  Loves gives us hope.  Hope for the New Year...

This was one of my favorite of many wonderful quotes from the movie New Years Eve...like it or not...it had a lot of great themes that I think during this holiday season, we should all try to embrace. Whether it's reconciling with an old friend, apologizing to someone, being the "bigger person", telling someone how much you care about them...whatever your own little "risk" may be - take it. You never know the last time you'll be able to tell someone you love them or even how much you appreciate them. If we could all live our life just showing our appreciation and care a little more...the world would be a better and happier place.

I feel blessed that I was able to tell my mom how much I loved her during her last days. However, that does not take away the regret and guilt I have for any hurtful words that were said over the years. I know, I know...everyone fights - but if we could just think a little before we speak ...we wouldn't carry such negative feelings years later. I hope that over the holidays and as the New Year is approaching...we can all just sit back and reflect a little bit on how much the people in our life mean to us - and how we can show our love more ...

Everyday, you save my life...

A few years ago, I enrolled in a class for graduate school, Grief and Loss Counseling, that I never thought would change my life or impact me greater than any class in all of my years of school. This class challenged each of us to be vulnerable to our own losses and to reflect on the meaning of "loss" and how different that can be for each person. I still think about my classmates and their experiences on a regular basis...now more than ever with the loss of my mother. There were people that I knew very well and others that I grew close to through sharing and grieving together.If you are in a graduate program that offers this type of class...I highly recommend it.

Through this class, each of us were provided with the opportunity to volunteer with a program called Drew's Hope. A foundation, The Drew Michael Taylor Foundation, created by a family that lost their child which helps for families to grieve through support groups and counseling. Graduate students who are enrolled in this class are allowed to facilitate groups with children, teens, and parentes in order to gain experience...but I think to each of us it became much more than that. I was blessed to work with the youngest group of children who just made my week - the connections that children can make throughout the grief process is unbelievable. I cannot express the good that this group does for the community - for families, schools, and for each person to learn how to heal...and that it's ok to lean on those sharing a similar experience.

My reason for this blog today? I received a link that Drew's Hope is looking to open "Drew's House" an opportunity to actually have a resource center for this organization as they are now using the elementary school on Shippensburg University's campus. This would be an amazing opportunity and would be such a fabulous resource for the center. If you take a minute to vote on the link below they could have this dream come true - this would mean SO much to me and many others that have been impacted positively by this organization.

Please vote: http://www.refresheverything.com/drewshouse

...and thanks to those who were in my class that still continue to be on my mind and that have served as a wonderful support system to me throughout this hard time...:).

Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen closely...

Despite the many great people and friends in my life who have done so much for me since my mom has passed...there are nights I come home and am a mess. Not a bawling, crying mess...but just can't get off my couch, don't want to talk to anyone....sad...feeling really hopeless and lost...kinda mess. Thank GOODNESS...for amazing coworkers, friends, and everyone who has done dinners, coffees, wine, reunions, and just has been there for me through everything...

But tonight, I was thinking about the movies my mom and I loved so much. One of our favorites has always been The Land Before Time (the original one...not the 8 additonal ones ;). The movie really has a great, heartwarming story...but ironically in the movie, Littlefoot's mom was killed. I was looking up song lyrics, quotes, and other stories that reminded me of my mom... when I came across this one from the Land Before Time said by the mom...

Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen closely...

I needed that...