And so it begins...

When someone dies you have the constant love and support of friends and family around you ...which don't get me wrong still exists...but there does come a time when people have to live their own lives. Maybe the holidays have surfaced these lonely feelings...or maybe it's the fact that many of my friends now live across the world and country ...and aren't just a hop, skip and a jump down the block. I hate to sound bitter and negative (even though everyone says I have the right to feel that way)...but I am. This last week has been beyond difficult for me...despite having great family, friends, etc...all around. This is a time of year that I would normally spend day in and day out with my mom... I didn't really care about seeing friends (I knew that would happen late at night). I loved our little shopping, Starbucks dinner dates. I have so many good things I want to share with my mom right now...and yes, it's forcing me to share them with other people...but it's still hard. It's difficult to clean out her things and be alone at night...

However, I am only getting a small taste of what my father must be facing every day. Living in this house having EVERYTHING remind him of her. The decorations, smell, style...everything...down to the silverwear he eats with everyday. I am very fortunate to have my father even though we have very different ways of grieving...sometimes we are both angry and I know we aren't really angry at each other...we are just angry that this is a crappy situation that is just starting... I just hope my Dad knows how much I love and respect him...how much I know this is hard on him and that there is no right way to grieve...I'm very fortunate to have a special person in my life remind me of that when sometimes I'm too clouded with negative emotion to see all of that...

I think I can just hope that just like my mom clearly touched the lives of many...that this blog or whatever it is to some people...will also help someone. The notes and messages I receive daily/weekly from random people who knew my mom just reminds me over and over again the power of being kind. The power of connection and building meaningful relationships...and the power of being real. I feel that by sharing my experieces...both good and bad...that hopefully they will help someone else...just like my mom helped all of those wonderful people...