Less than fabulous version of me...

I have been a less than fabulous version of myself these last few days. Miserable, crying, angry...every ugly color there is to be - just still shocked/hurt that my mom is not here to be with us during the holiday season or really at all anymore. It of course means a lot to me that I have wonderful friends, family, etc who are all supportive and caring ....but the void is not going to be filled ever...and right now this feeling is the worst thing I've ever experienced before. It doesn't help that when little things happen that I'd normally talk to my mom about...it makes them 100x worse because I start crying over the fact that she's not here to help or listen or tell me to stop being dramatic (laughing as I type this...). It also doesn't help that the rest of my family is crying too (obviously not their fault) but it makes everyting so much worse for me. I hate being angry and miserable and negative. I know this is part of the grieving process, believe me a Masters in Counseling will give you all of the information you need. I know there isn't a book or a manual to help me to get through this. Which is why I'm sitting in Panera typing my little heart out because writing has become a true therapy for me. A sense of peace and resolution - knowing that my words can touch another person.

I want to be there right now for other people ...but I can't. Lets just put it out there that ...I'm a mess. Everyone says I'm the strongest person they know ...but I feel like who I am right now is nothing but angry and not a great example of the person that I ever aspiret to be....I'm hoping that somewhere in this Christmas spirit that I can find my own little Christmas miracle...and if I can't...I know that I will get through this in someway...even if it's kicking and screaming...